Still Leaning Over…

If you loved Lean Over: Women, Work and Women’s Work, you’re going to love Lean Over: For Graduates.

Why? Well, much like its inspiration, Lean In For Graduates by Sheryl Sandberg, it does not contain any new writing by the authors. To be fair, though, it does have a pretty excellent introductory letter specifically targeted to recent (female) college graduates.

Here’s a brief – but useful – excerpt:

It’s undeniably true that our experiences in life are directly related to our inability to be men. As women, we are forced to accept our gender as part of our official title. Men are simply called surgeons or senators or circus clowns without the explicit description that they are male, as if we couldn’t tell they are men just by the fact that they are so successful! But women are always being marginalized and being called a female teacher or female wife or female Pilates instructor. I know those titles feel redundant, but no one listened to me when I suggested that we just called ourselves, “not men.”

Buy your copy today: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KMCNJ5O

 

If reading sounds like too much work, you’re probably a woman. But don’t worry: we’ve got you covered.

After watching Sheryl Sandberg’s “Ban Bossy” video, we decided to put together a very special (and very short) video that we hope encourages you – and everyone you know – to just call us what we really are: bitches.

Watch Ban Bitchy, and then watch it again. And again. Another time. Once more. And again, and again until you die.

Marry Smart…OR DIE!

Susan Patton, The Princeton Mom, is spewing out even more nonsense advice in her new book, Marry Smart. But as she says, when it comes to advice, you can either take it, or leave it. Thanks, Susan, but we’ll be leaving it.

And now, here’s an excerpt from the new parody e-book, Marry Smart…OR DIE!, co-authored by Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby.

For only $0.99, you can buy your copy NOW:

http://www.amazon.com/Marry-Smart-DIE-Princeton-Momster-ebook/dp/B00IWG4CRG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1394552239&sr=8-1&keywords=marry+smart+or+die

The M-Words: Marriage and Motherhood

Girls, I know you didn’t think you were going to college because we wanted you to get an education. You’re smarter than that. College – but mostly Princeton – is a $200,000 investment in finding a good husband and father. Think of it as making a down payment on not having fat, dumb kids.

Some of your fellow female undergraduates might give you a hard time if you parrot this advice back to them. But don’t listen to them. They are lesbians. Or feminists. I can never remember the difference between those two.

Okay, so you don’t need a college degree to get pregnant. That’s true. But you do need it to feel like you fit in with the other parents at your son’s exclusive Manhattan pre-K program on the Upper East Side. Trust me: most rich people went to college.

People often asked me why I would throw away my expensive and prestigious Princeton education by having a family, but I always knew the true value of my degree. And seeing as I was, and always have been, a woman, it was mostly honorary.

REAL TALK:

ARE YOU MARRIED YET?

https://i0.wp.com/media.giphy.com/media/94mx3cBKoOIZq/giphy.gif

9 Easy Ways to Get Through Valentine’s Day…If You’re Single

Honestly, being selfish is just part of my daily routine. And so, even if I had a boyfriend, there’s no way celebrating this so-called holiday would make me feel good seeing as I’d have to share it with like every other girl on the planet. No thanks. Make a day all about me and no one else and then maybe we can talk.

1. Just because you haven’t found “The One” doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate the charm of the holiday. Wear red, eat sweets, sip champagne, and sure, go ahead, say, “I love you” to the person who really matters most in your life right now: your Starbucks’ barista.

2. Since all of your annoying friends in loving relationships are going to be busy, it’s a great time to catch up on that stuff around the house you’ve been meaning to get to like cleaning out your closet, or finishing that case of wine.

3. There’s no reason for you to waste money on overpriced dinners or a bunch of tacky cards that you’re just going to throw away. Instead, save that money for something you really want, like an obscenely expensive but totally worth it and adorable sweatshirt, or like, a box of Cronuts.

4. For guys in relationships, Valentine’s Day is basically just a threat. You can happily report to your smug girlfriends who are busy showing off their boxes of candy hearts that their boyfriends only bought those for them in a desperate attempt to not get dumped.

5. Being single on Valentine’s day basically just means that you now have a day to tell your best friend how much you love her. Buying each other cute cards or you know, just super casual matching gold rings that say “love,” may not be something you think about doing every day, but she is the one person who understands all those late night knife emoji texts when you unexpectedly run into your ex. So take the opportunity to show her how much you care. Who says the holiday has to be all about couples, anyway?

6. Don’t worry about what your ex is doing this Valentine’s Day. If he’s single, he’s probably hanging out with some porn. And if he’s got a new girlfriend, he has to spend money on her. And you know how much he hates that.

7. Wait, but seriously, it’s a great day to hook up. Haven’t found the one? Who cares. Go find literally anyone. Because any guy alone on Valentine’s Day is just as eager to have some fun as you are.

8. It’s hard enough this time of year to have the energy or enthusiasm to go out and do anything (just ask my Netflix queue or various pizza delivery associates/new best friends). Getting dressed up to go out for a fancy meal just doesn’t have the same appeal when you have to cover your cute silk cocktail dress with a sleeping bag you’ve fashioned into a coat and rubber boots fit for a longshoreman.

9. It’s only one day. Out of the whole year. If it bothers you that much, just stay home and have a “mental health day” where you take long baths, eat expensive cheese, and drink yourself into a stupor. When you come to, it’ll all be over.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

*Note: This post was co-written by Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby who are definitely not drunk. Yet.*

Real Talk Resolutions.

It’s a new year, and so, I have decided to make some resolutions.  But I know, from watching all of you, that most people set unrealistic goals for themselves, and just end up failing.  Goals like, “I’m going to lose ten pounds,” or “I’m going to pay my rent on time,” or “I’m going to stop eating lunch before 11am.”

Be honest. Those things are never going to happen for you, and you know it.

That’s why, this year, I am only making extremely attainable resolutions.  These resolutions are so closely within reach that, to achieve them, I won’t even have to get out of bed.  And that’s pretty much the whole idea.

14 Real Resolutions for 2014:

1. Turn on a lamp.

2. Respond to over 75% of text messages with only emoji.

3. Laugh alone.  In the dark.

4. Eat more than two of your daily meals in bed.

5. Lie to everyone you know.

6. Turn that lamp off.

7. Tell Siri she looks fat.

8. Take a selfie, and then text it to yourself, and then sob endlessly because you’re a monster.

9. Finish off that box of wine without using a glass because, again, you’re a monster.

10. Scream like no one’s listening.

11. Tell that pigeon on your window sill that he, too, looks fat.

12. Think about replacing the light bulb in your bedroom that’s been out since last summer.

13. Decide against replacing the light bulb.  You’ve grown attached.

14. Congratulate yourself.  You’re doing great.

Just great.

Kim and Kanye Take On Turkey

Yesterday, on Keeping Up With The Kardashians

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West invited all of us to watch them – I mean, join them – as they feasted upon their first family Thanksgiving dinner.

Did you miss it?  That’s because it didn’t air.

But don’t worry – Alison Leiby and I managed to steal the script and publish it on The Huffington Post:

E!’s Script for A Very Kim and Kanye Thanksgiving

Happy hangovers, everyone!

Déjà Bound 2

By now, I’m sure you’re all familiar with Kanye’s new video for “Bound 2” featuring North West’s mother writhing around topless on a motorbike in front of a backdrop that’s oddly reminiscent of the cover of my Lisa Frank trapper keeper from 6th grade.

If you haven’t seen the video, go watch it.  Seriously, I’ll wait. (I’m kidding I would never wait for you.)  If you have seen it, you’re probably confused.  Don’t worry.  I was, too.

But then I realized that I had seen this all before.

The incredibly famous – though controversial – recording artist who is known for wearing ahead-of-its-time-couture, for lashing out at aggressive paparazzi, and for making music that defines a generation.  This same artist who enjoys mashing up his creative impulses with his personal life then casts his shockingly attractive girlfriend in a music video.  This video, of course, serves as the couple’s desperate public plea for privacy.  Blink. Blink.

The female video vixen who must also – at times – stare directly into the camera lens in an attempt to convince viewers that she is probably conscious.  It’s a video that includes excessive nudity, uncomfortable moments of choreographed affection, and only the best desert backdrops that Microsoft Office clip art has to offer.

Of course this seemed familiar.  I had seen it in 1995.

Starring Michael Jackson.

Yeah, that’s right, Kanye: You. Are. Not. Alone.

Finding Love (With Dressing On the Side)

Looking for love? Or for lunch?  Either way, you’re covered with Just Salad’s new dating app, Salad Match, which, I’ll have you know, is real.

My fellow nightmare Alison Leiby (pictured) and I put together some potential “Conversations In Salad Match” for The Toast!

Read it immediately:

http://the-toast.net/2013/10/16/conversations-salad-match/

And then celebrate with a glass (or four) of Pinot Grigio!

photo(4)

hard at work