Honestly, being selfish is just part of my daily routine. And so, even if I had a boyfriend, there’s no way celebrating this so-called holiday would make me feel good seeing as I’d have to share it with like every other girl on the planet. No thanks. Make a day all about me and no one else and then maybe we can talk.
1. Just because you haven’t found “The One” doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate the charm of the holiday. Wear red, eat sweets, sip champagne, and sure, go ahead, say, “I love you” to the person who really matters most in your life right now: your Starbucks’ barista.
2. Since all of your annoying friends in loving relationships are going to be busy, it’s a great time to catch up on that stuff around the house you’ve been meaning to get to like cleaning out your closet, or finishing that case of wine.
3. There’s no reason for you to waste money on overpriced dinners or a bunch of tacky cards that you’re just going to throw away. Instead, save that money for something you really want, like an obscenely expensive but totally worth it and adorable sweatshirt, or like, a box of Cronuts.
4. For guys in relationships, Valentine’s Day is basically just a threat. You can happily report to your smug girlfriends who are busy showing off their boxes of candy hearts that their boyfriends only bought those for them in a desperate attempt to not get dumped.
5. Being single on Valentine’s day basically just means that you now have a day to tell your best friend how much you love her. Buying each other cute cards or you know, just super casual matching gold rings that say “love,” may not be something you think about doing every day, but she is the one person who understands all those late night knife emoji texts when you unexpectedly run into your ex. So take the opportunity to show her how much you care. Who says the holiday has to be all about couples, anyway?
6. Don’t worry about what your ex is doing this Valentine’s Day. If he’s single, he’s probably hanging out with some porn. And if he’s got a new girlfriend, he has to spend money on her. And you know how much he hates that.
7. Wait, but seriously, it’s a great day to hook up. Haven’t found the one? Who cares. Go find literally anyone. Because any guy alone on Valentine’s Day is just as eager to have some fun as you are.
8. It’s hard enough this time of year to have the energy or enthusiasm to go out and do anything (just ask my Netflix queue or various pizza delivery associates/new best friends). Getting dressed up to go out for a fancy meal just doesn’t have the same appeal when you have to cover your cute silk cocktail dress with a sleeping bag you’ve fashioned into a coat and rubber boots fit for a longshoreman.
9. It’s only one day. Out of the whole year. If it bothers you that much, just stay home and have a “mental health day” where you take long baths, eat expensive cheese, and drink yourself into a stupor. When you come to, it’ll all be over.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
*Note: This post was co-written by Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby who are definitely not drunk. Yet.*