Real Talk Resolutions.

It’s a new year, and so, I have decided to make some resolutions.  But I know, from watching all of you, that most people set unrealistic goals for themselves, and just end up failing.  Goals like, “I’m going to lose ten pounds,” or “I’m going to pay my rent on time,” or “I’m going to stop eating lunch before 11am.”

Be honest. Those things are never going to happen for you, and you know it.

That’s why, this year, I am only making extremely attainable resolutions.  These resolutions are so closely within reach that, to achieve them, I won’t even have to get out of bed.  And that’s pretty much the whole idea.

14 Real Resolutions for 2014:

1. Turn on a lamp.

2. Respond to over 75% of text messages with only emoji.

3. Laugh alone.  In the dark.

4. Eat more than two of your daily meals in bed.

5. Lie to everyone you know.

6. Turn that lamp off.

7. Tell Siri she looks fat.

8. Take a selfie, and then text it to yourself, and then sob endlessly because you’re a monster.

9. Finish off that box of wine without using a glass because, again, you’re a monster.

10. Scream like no one’s listening.

11. Tell that pigeon on your window sill that he, too, looks fat.

12. Think about replacing the light bulb in your bedroom that’s been out since last summer.

13. Decide against replacing the light bulb.  You’ve grown attached.

14. Congratulate yourself.  You’re doing great.

Just great.