A River (Rat) Race

I know how to swim, and I know how to sing.  I know how to sit, and I know how to scream.  But years of swimming, singing, sitting, and screaming did not prepare me for a five-mile kayak race up the Hudson River this past Sunday.  Turns out, you should also know how to row a boat.  And have exercised some time in the past seven years.

I even stayed in the night before the race (drinking wine) and when my alarm went off at 9am the next day, I turned over, and hit snooze.

I didn’t hear the alarm go off again, but when I came to, I was sitting in the front of a boat, holding an oar.  Confused, I asked what I was supposed to be doing, but everyone just laughed.  Which was pretty rude.

And suddenly I was being launched into New York City’s favorite Port-o-Potty, the Hudson River, praying that some grindylow would just crawl over the side of the boat, and I could be disqualified based purely on a ridiculously out-of-place Harry Potter reference.

But no such luck.

My brother was also in the boat – sitting behind me – but I never actually saw him row anything.  I’m pretty sure he just sat back there, eating all of our rations, and sharing secrets with Wilson.  Meanwhile, I was to left to fend for myself.  And no, I don’t care what you heard.  I didn’t try to “throw John off the back of the boat.”  That’s insane.  And also, turns out he’s stronger than me.

I persevered, and John ate sandwiches, and before I knew it, we were winning.  And I had lost like, 10 pounds.  This was turning out to be the best day of my life!

Tragically, however, right before we reached the shore, John splashed me with Hudson toilet water, and now part of me is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.  I won’t tell you which part.  It’ll be obvious next time you see me.

i win again.

i win again.

 

 

The (Sugarcoated) Truth

Everyone is allowed to have a preference when it comes to adding (imitation) sugar to their coffee, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to judge yours.

You may think it’s just taking that bitter bite out of your over-priced morning jolt, but actually, I can tell a lot about you from your choice of sweetener:

Pure White Granulated Sugar: You’re conservative, traditional, and totally comfortable with your weight.  Your doctor has said the words “Pre-diabetic” to you, but you assume that was due in large part to the stock pile of Girl Scout Cookies you keep locked in your family’s basement freezer, and your weakness for all things Arby’s.

Splenda: You’re beautiful, smart, funny, health-conscious, and have obviously made the right choice. (Please note: I use Splenda, so…)

Sugar in the Raw:  It’s regular sugar, you dummy.  And no, you can’t smoke it.  I suggest you go back to your commune, hippy, and make some more necklaces out of hemp and granola.

Equal: You’re a working girl who paid her dues in the ’80’s, and prefers to wear running sneakers with work clothes so you can power walk on your commute.  Unfortunately, due to some outdated software on your Gateway 2000 desktop, no one has been able to e-mail you about the fact that there are other sugar-replacement options that don’t taste like poison.

Sweet-N-Low: You’re Equal’s step-mom, but you haven’t talked in years.  Also, you probably have cancer. 😦

Honey: Ugh, are you drinking tea?!

Agave Nectar: YOU’RE A MONSTER.

 

Attention Neigh Sayers

I hate horses.  Hate. Them.

WHY?!

Umm I don’t know, maybe because they are terrifying huge-headed monsters who are actually plotting a hostile takeover of this entire planet.

Take, for example, earlier this week when 30 police horses in Mexico City pretended to be scared of some car horns, and according to the fine folks over at The New York Daily News, “went on [a] rampage in Mexico City, leaving a devastating trail of destruction.”

A witness on the scene said that he had been sitting “at a traffic light when [he] heard the horses coming. A horse hit the car. The horse fell, got up and continued.”

Not only are horses completely out of control, but they also can’t be stopped.  Cars are USELESS against them.  And now, it seems, we are too late.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is a horse.

 

Full story here: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/video-30-police-horses-rampage-mexico-city-article-1.1445279#ixzz2dxAgCFck