Hey, how have you been? I’m sorry to bother you like this, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I think…well, I know…I want you back.
It’s been a few months now that we’ve been apart, and I have to be honest with you: I miss you. I wake up in the morning, and you’re not there. When I go to sleep at night, you’re not there. And in the middle of the night, when I can’t sleep, and the freakshows that live in my building decide to spend an hour and a half arguing outside of my apartment about who would win a Tough Mudder that had pudding instead of mud, you’re not there. Oh sure, I have a couple Netflix DVDs that come every other day or so, but they can’t fill the void you left behind.
I talked to my friends, and they said I should just replace you with something else. Every time I normally would have reached for you, I should just go to the gym instead. Or clean out my closet. Or take a shower. And sure, now I’m incredibly fit, organized, and clean – but I don’t feel any better.
I mean, yeah, I look great. And sure, I have more time to think about what I want, but for the most part, my thoughts terrify me. I need you to distract me – every minute of every day – so that I don’t spend over six hours listening to my neighbor’s smoke alarm going off wondering whether she’s away on vacation or just dead.
I know it’s obvious – especially with this letter – that I need you more than you need me, but I don’t know. Maybe you feel the same way. There’s literally no way to know for sure.
I need you back in my life, Cable TV. Bring DVR, too.