In four days, I will leave New York City and drive for approximately three hours in a brave attempt to travel about five years into the past. Time travel is not always the easiest goal to achieve, but as Hot Tub Time Machine has shown us, it is almost always the most rewarding both emotionally and alcoholically.
I realize that I am not the first person to have a college reunion, but I am, in fact, the only person that I care about to have a college reunion, and I am determined to win.
What’s that? It’s not a competition? Wow, good work. You just lost.
After years of extensive research* I have discovered the secrets to successfully prepping for, attending, and ultimately winning your college reunion. However, due to some pending law suits, and dire warnings from medical professionals, I can only share 10 of them with you now.
1. Stop eating. Immediately. Maybe you weren’t that fat in college, but if you were anything like any of us, you probably were, so seriously. Replace all your meals with nothing, or – if that’s too much for you – try eating some of Gwyneth Paltrow’s GOOP.
2. Gather up some extra business cards so you can make sure you take advantage of this excellent networking weekend. Please note: the business cards should not be from your current job (which, quite frankly, is embarrassing). You are now the Senior Vice President of Social Media Marketing at Rufus. If someone asks you what Rufus is, laugh condescendingly in their face. Idiots.
3. DO NOT GET A HAIR CUT! You waited too long, and now, it’s too late. You should have gone last week, but now, you have to face the reality that all your teachers/parents/girlfriends/boyfriends/friendfriends/pets were right about you.
4. Married? Engaged? Agoraphobic? No one wants to hear about it. Plan on asking a ton of questions, and avoiding sharing any information about yourself. This will limit everyone’s disappointment in what you’ve accomplished in half a decade.
5. Buddy up. If there’s one thing you need for this weekend, it’s alcohol. But since that should already be packed, make sure you always book a friend for the weekend. This can be a former classmate, or it can be a Furby that you duct-taped to your shoulder like a pirate from the future.
6. If you had a serious boyfriend in college who dumped you because he wasn’t looking for anything serious and then immediately married someone else, yowch. That has got to hurt. Are you sure you want to go to this thing?
7. Scroll through the pictures of yourself from college currently available on Facebook. Now look in the mirror. Now look back at the pictures. Honestly: a too small white drawstring cotton skirt with Ugg boots and an ironic slogan tee from Urban Outfitters? God, you were hot.
8. What’s that smell? Did you order nachos?! NO EATING ALLOWED.
9. Five years is a long time. Or, it’s no time at all. Depending on how much you have accomplished. Which is basically nothing. If former classmates ask what you’re up to, say you’re considering grad school. It’s true enough.
10. Remember: college was a super fun and extremely fat time in your life and this reunion is your chance to make every single mistake again.