Puttin’ on the Blitz

I have to tell you something.  This isn’t easy for me, but you deserve an explanation for all of the unanswered calls, the blank stares, the dark sunglasses, the bruises, the endless episodes of The Millionaire Matchmaker waiting, unwatched, in the DVR, the envious physique, the dazzling smile, the flirtatious winks, the…wait.  What were we talking about?

The truth is: I am an addict.  I want to stop, but – wait – no, that’s not true.

I love playing Bejeweled Blitz.  I play it in the morning before I shower, I play it on the subway, I play it while transferring subways, I play it at work, I play it when I tell my co-workers I’m going to get coffee, I play it at the gym, I play it in bars, I play it drunk, I play it sober, but usually I just drunk, I play it in bed, and…

I’m playing it. Right. Now.

Some people (AARON) think I’m playing this game too much, but I could totally tell he’s just jealous of my super high score!  Over 200K!  Maybe I’ll stop when I beat it.  HAHAHA JK I WILL NEVER STOP THIS IS MY DESTINY.

I know some of you are worried reading this right now, recalling the Snood fiasco of 1999.  But that was a different game and a different time.  I’m so much stronger now, and also don’t live with my parents so they can’t delete it off of our Gateway 2000 while I’m in the bathroom which I’m pretty sure was child abuse.  So, clearly, if anyone is to blame here, it’s them.

Honestly, with Bejeweled Blitz on my iPhone, I feel relieved to have finally found my purpose on this planet.  Some people were meant to save lives, and others were meant to educate our youth.  Turns out, I was born to re-align matching cartoon jewels in combinations of three, four, and sometimes even FIVE in a row to gain as many coins as possible in under 60 seconds.

But, it’s not all fun and games.

Oh, wait.  No.  Actually it is.

An excellent technique.

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