Snooze Control.

My morning routine:

7:00am: Alarm rings. Press snooze.

7:15am: Alarm rings. Press snooze.

7:30am: Alarm rings. Wasn’t today the day I promised myself I would start going to the gym at 7am?  But wasn’t 7am half an hour ago?  And if I’m sleeping that means I’m not eating and am basically losing weight, so I’m gonna go ahead and…press snooze.

7:45am: Alarm rings. Hello? Who’s calling?  Oh, is that the alarm again? God, he is annoying. Is this what having kids is like? SNOOZE.

8:00am: Alarm rings. Geez, that thing is relentless.  Can’t he see I’m busy sleeping/burning off the calories from last night’s wine dinner?  My head hurts.  Someone is screaming!  STOP SCREAMING!  Is that the baby?!  I DON’T EVEN HAVE A BABY.  Oh, wait.  I forgot to press…snooze.

8:05am: Alarm rings.  There’s no way that was 15 minutes.  Oh, that’s my second “emergency” alarm.  No, wait.  That’s the smoke alarm?  Did they elect a new Pope?  In my apartment?  Maybe the battery is low.  I don’t think it has a snooze button.  Better just get up, and throw it out the window.  Maybe it’ll hit the bird that’s been squawking on my fire escape all weekend, and I can kill two birds with one broken fire alarm.

8:15am: Alarm rings. Do I even have something to do today?  SNOOZE.

8:30am: Alarm rings. “Snooze” has to be the silliest name for such a vital life-saving button slash constant romantic companion.  Reminds me of “Snood.”  God, that was a great game.  Alright, I’m up now. I’ll just go ahead and turn off my alarm…

10:47am: (Eyelids flutter) Wow, I feel great!  I should probably start getting ready for work.  Do I have time for a shower…Oh.  SHIT.

“You’re fired.”
(He’s talking to my alarm.)

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