This may come as a surprise to many (read: all) of you, but I recently started a new job. I’d tell you where I’m working, but I still don’t feel safe. Even with the restraining order.
As part of the hiring process, I was informed that the company would have to run a background check to make sure I was telling the truth. Naturally, I panicked. I tend to lie – ahem, I mean, ENTERTAIN – fairly frequently, and given my penchant for extreme sloth, I rarely find time to proofread my own work for spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, hilarious gifs, grease stains, less-than-flattering self pics, and/or flat out lies.
Days went by, and I didn’t hear back from anyone about the background check. I took this as a clear sign that I should probably quit this job, and begin a new life as a grifter so I could be sure my fraud and trickery talents were being put to good use. Plus, I hear it’s pretty lucrative.*
I was plotting out my first fake identity (researching competitive wig prices and stealing social security numbers) when I received a phone call. Apparently there had been an issue with my background check, and I was instructed to check my e-mail immediately to view the error. I open up the lengthy document, and start to scroll through, looking for some typo or misspelling of my own name that could be the culprit.
And then I saw it. Education: Applicant entered “Harvard University” but Harvard has no record of Applicant.
Applicant. Not. Found.**
I offered to send my employer a photo of my diploma via Instagram, but they said I should stop being such a pretentious d-bag. But seriously, to date, attending Harvard and more importantly, graduating from Harvard is probably my biggest achievement. And by biggest achievement, I mean my only achievement. And frankly, I think it should be enough. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
I graduated almost five years ago, and after rolling out of Cambridge, with a heavy heart, and an even heavier ass, Harvard starts calling all the time, being all like, “Yo gurl, gimme some money” and I’m just like, “Lo siento, no hablo ingles!” and then they’re just like, I FEEL LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU.
I didn’t know they meant that quite so literally. I had to call the registrar’s office and convince them that just because I haven’t made any sort of contribution to society since graduating doesn’t mean they can take away the one thing that keeps my parents from denying that we are blood-related. Harvard agreed to write a letter on my behalf, which looked WAY less official than a Lo-Fi version of my framed diploma, but thankfully, my employer found it acceptable.
And so, they make take our lives…but they’ll never take…OUR FREEDOM! Pretty powerful, right? I wrote that.***
*This knowledge is based solely on the movie, “Catch Me If You Can.” IT WAS BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
**For those of you who don’t know, this is reference to the movie “Richie Rich” when he’s using the latest Dadlink technology, and the computer reports, “Dad. Not. Found.”
***No I didn’t. I’m was lying again. But you have to admit, I’m pretty good at it.